I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
