Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
A+ Viking dick
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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