meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
