I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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