i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
