I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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