My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
