Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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