It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
