I skipped work to stalk him.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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