i just wanna soil my oats bro
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
