no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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