possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
