Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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