I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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