fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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