If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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