i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
