Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
