maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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