You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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