Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
