Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
