I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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