At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
