Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize