Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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