ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
