just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
