oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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