I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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