We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
True strength comes from lack of pants
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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