90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
