I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
