so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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