I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
