Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
