I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
