never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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