We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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