it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
