Your dad touched me again.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
