I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
