I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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