Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
