People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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