He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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