The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
