the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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