My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think people are normalizing furries
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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