Don't make out with my wife yet
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Vodka?
Forever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
