Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
