Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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