i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
