i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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