As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
