he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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