i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
They took my balls.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
