its not stalking. its research.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
