3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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