dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
