she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
ttyl tear gas
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
