I can tuck mytits in my pants
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
